"The Places You'll Go: Navigating Motherhood after seperation”
From Full-Time Mother to Shared Care Navigating Role Change Through Occupational Therapy
Transitioning from a full-time parent to sharing custody is a profound shift, one that can bring a cascade of emotional, social, and practical adjustments. This role change is complex, touching on deeply rooted psychological expectations of parenting, societal divides in caregiving, and personal identity. The emotional journey can feel like a loss of self as much as a reconfiguration of life routines, making it challenging for mothers and fathers alike. Occupational Therapy (OT) offers insights and evidence-based practices to support parents in processing this change and building a renewed sense of purpose and stability.
The Emotional and Social Weight of Role Transition
For parents, particularly mothers who traditionally fulfill the role of primary caregiver, transitioning to shared custody is not just a logistical change but an emotional one. Research shows that societal expectations and gender norms continue to influence parental roles, often positioning mothers as the primary source of nurturing (Chodorow, 1978; Lamb, 2010). This expectation, along with years of hands-on caregiving, can create a strong maternal identity that’s painful to separate from when children split time between households.
Psychologically, many parents struggle with feelings of inadequacy or guilt when they transition to a shared-custody arrangement. There may also be grief, as the loss of daily interactions can feel like a loss of connection with the child. From a bio-psycho-social perspective, this transition affects not only the parent’s identity but also their sense of routine and self-worth. This shift can trigger stress, sadness, and, in some cases, symptoms of anxiety or depression (Maccoby & Mnookin, 1992).
MOHO: Redefining Roles and Identity
The Model of Human Occupation (MOHO) is particularly useful in understanding how role transitions impact personal identity and daily life. According to MOHO, human occupations—our activities, roles, and habits—are driven by volition, habituation, and performance capacity (Kielhofner, 2008). Each of these aspects is significantly impacted when transitioning from a full-time parenting role to shared custody.
Volition: Parents derive meaning, motivation, and purpose from the act of parenting. Losing time with a child can create a void where volition once was, causing some to feel as though they’ve lost purpose or significance. To navigate this, it’s essential for parents to reconnect with their personal interests and values beyond parenting. This might involve rediscovering hobbies, career goals, or social engagements that were previously overshadowed by full-time parenting.
Habituation: Routine loss is one of the most palpable changes for parents transitioning to shared custody. Previously, their schedules may have revolved around children’s needs, from meals and school pickups to evening routines. With this shift, parents face a disrupted daily structure, which can contribute to feelings of instability and anxiety. Building a new routine that includes meaningful activities and self-care can help create a sense of stability and predictability in the parent’s day-to-day life.
Performance Capacity: The emotional toll of the transition may affect a parent’s cognitive and physical energy, making it difficult to engage in daily activities with motivation and focus. Occupational therapists can work with parents to identify areas where they might feel overwhelmed and develop strategies that promote emotional resilience and cognitive focus.
Sensory Integration (SI) and Emotional Processing
Sensory Integration (SI) theory, traditionally applied to sensory processing issues, offers valuable insights into how adults experience and process emotional stressors. The sensory processing system influences emotional regulation, and for parents coping with loss, the experience may include sensory triggers associated with their children or caregiving routines. These sensory memories—like the smell of a favorite shampoo or the feel of certain toys—can evoke intense emotional responses and sometimes contribute to feelings of grief or sadness.
Sensory Regulation and Grounding Techniques: Grounding exercises can be particularly useful for parents in shared custody arrangements, helping them manage the sensory overload associated with loss. Techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or grounding exercises that use sensory inputs (such as holding a comforting object, wearing cozy textures, or drinking a warm beverage) can help bring a person back to the present moment and provide a sense of calm (Wilbarger, 2007).
Creating a New Sensory Environment: Adjusting the home environment to reflect a new stage can also help in processing the change. This might include creating a dedicated self-care space, such as a reading nook or a place for a hobby that brings joy. Making intentional changes in one’s sensory surroundings can support a new sense of identity and routine.
Strategies for Adapting to Role Change in Shared care
Occupational therapists utilize a variety of strategies to help individuals cope with changes in roles and routines. Here are several strategies that can support parents through the transition to shared custody:
1. Reframe Identity and Role as a Parent
While time with children may be reduced, the significance of one’s role as a parent remains. Occupational therapists can guide parents through reflective exercises to help them redefine what being a parent means to them, even in a shared custody situation. Activities like journaling, creating a memory book, or writing letters to the child (even if they’re not shared) can reinforce the parent’s ongoing love and commitment.
2. Build New Routines and Meaningful Engagements
Establishing a stable routine that includes personal, social, and professional activities helps fill the gap left by full-time parenting. Therapists may encourage parents to create daily schedules that include specific self-care activities, social interactions, and any personal goals. Over time, building a satisfying, balanced routine can help reinforce a parent’s sense of purpose and reduce feelings of emptiness.
3. Utilise Sensory Strategies for Emotional Grounding
As sensory memories of children can bring up strong emotions, therapists might introduce sensory grounding techniques to help regulate these responses. Incorporating sensory-rich activities such as going for a nature walk, practicing yoga, or engaging in creative activities like painting can help parents stay grounded. Reintroducing familiar sensory experiences, such as a favorite scent or music, in a way that feels comforting (rather than triggering) can also support emotional regulation.
4. Reconnect with Personal Interests and Goals
To foster a sense of identity beyond parenting, occupational therapists can help parents explore interests they may have set aside, such as career goals, fitness routines, or hobbies. Reengaging with these pursuits can remind parents of their value and identity as individuals, independent of the parenting role. This aligns with research highlighting the importance of self-care and individual pursuits in maintaining mental well-being (Segal, 2011).
5. Establishing New Social Roles and Support Networks
Transitioning to shared custody often impacts social circles and support networks, especially if friends and family have established loyalties to the other parent. Therapists can help parents identify new social supports, whether that’s through local parenting groups, community classes, or virtual support networks. Building these connections can help reduce isolation and foster a sense of belonging.
The Male-Female Divide in Childcare and Societal Expectations
While both mothers and fathers experience the pain of transitioning to shared custody, societal expectations can influence how each parent processes this change. Traditionally, mothers are often expected to be the primary caregivers, which can make the loss of full-time parenting feel particularly poignant. At the same time, fathers may feel societal pressures that minimize their role in parenting, which can make it challenging for them to embrace their role fully in a shared custody arrangement (Lamb, 2021).
Both men and women benefit from redefining their parenting role in terms of quality rather than quantity. Occupational therapy can support both mothers and fathers in exploring their strengths as caregivers and reestablishing meaningful connections with their children in creative, intentional ways.
Moving Forward with Support and Resilience
While this transition is difficult, occupational therapy offers strategies for building resilience and finding purpose through change. Research highlights the importance of self-identity, supportive routines, and sensory regulation in navigating role shifts (Segal, 2011; Kielhofner, 2008). By reconnecting with their values, redefining routines, and engaging in activities that foster well-being, parents can rebuild a satisfying, balanced life as they navigate shared custody.
References
Chodorow, N. (1978). The Reproduction of Mothering: Psychoanalysis and the Sociology of Gender. University of California Press.
Kielhofner, G. (2008). A Model of Human Occupation: Theory and Application. Lippincott Williams & Wilkins.
Lamb, M. E. (2010). The Role of the Father in Child Development. John Wiley & Sons.
Maccoby, E., & Mnookin, R. H. (1992). Dividing the Child: Social and Legal Dilemmas of Custody. Harvard University Press.
Segal, R. (2011). "The Importance of Routine for Individuals in Role Transitions." American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 65(2), 204-210.
Wilbarger, P. (2007). "Sensory Grounding Techniques and Emotional Regulation." Journal of Occupational Therapy Science, 54(3), 301-307.
