The Language of Support: How Words Make or Break Motivation for Individuals with ADHD
In Billie Eilish’s song lyrics, “if they knew what they said, it would go straight to my head…What would they say instead?”, there’s an honest portrayal of the way language can shape a person’s mind, especially when they’re sensitive to what others think and say. For people with ADHD, words from loved ones, teachers, and even therapists can become defining, influencing self-image, motivation, and even mental health. Occupational therapists (OTs), caregivers, and educators have the chance to use language that uplifts rather than deflates, considering how words can either reinforce or diminish a person’s inner drive and sense of self.
By understanding the nuances of language through the Model of Human Occupation (MOHO) and Sensory Integration (SI) Theory, we can support motivation and self-esteem in a more meaningful way. Neurodivergent individuals, especially those with ADHD, often process negative feedback intensely—they may loop situations in their minds, feel emotions more deeply, and struggle to let go of hurtful comments. For them, the words we choose can create lasting impressions and shape how they see themselves.
Using MOHO to Understand Motivation and the Power of Language
The Model of Human Occupation (MOHO) in OT recognizes that a person’s engagement and motivation come from a combination of their sense of purpose, daily routines, and capacity to act. The way we speak to someone with ADHD can either support these three areas or inadvertently make it more difficult for them to feel competent and motivated. For instance, phrases like “Why don’t you ever focus?” or “You should try harder” might seem harmless, but for someone with ADHD, such language can feel discouraging and leave long-lasting doubts about their capabilities.
Volition – Motivation and Interests: Encouraging words like “I noticed you light up when talking about your art” or “What’s something today that sparked your interest?” acknowledges what makes the person feel engaged and valued.
Habituation – Routines and Roles: Shifting language from “You’re always forgetting” to “What helps you feel more on top of things?” allows space for growth and self-awareness without judgment, helping individuals develop routines that work for them.
Performance Capacity – Physical and Cognitive Abilities: Using “This might take some practice, but I know you’re capable” rather than “Why can’t you get it right?” supports a person’s confidence in their own potential, even during challenging times.
Sensory Integration (SI) Theory: Why Words Have a Different Weight in Neurodivergent People
Sensory Integration (SI) Theory suggests that neurodivergent individuals often have a unique way of processing and responding to stimuli, including verbal feedback. Those with ADHD might feel words more intensely, looping difficult comments over and over in their heads. The sting of an offhand comment can feel deeper and last longer, sometimes even manifesting as physical tension or distress. Because of this heightened sensitivity, certain words can create a cycle of doubt and hesitation that affects how they approach daily tasks, relationships, and self-image.
Examples of Language That Can Cause Distress:
“Why can’t you ever just finish things?”
“If you really cared, you’d try harder.”
“You’re just not motivated.”
These phrases can reinforce negative self-beliefs, making it more challenging for someone with ADHD to feel like they’re enough, let alone succeed in daily life.
Practical Language Shifts That Empower Rather Than Discourage
A small shift in language can make a big difference, especially for those processing language through a neurodivergent lens. Here are examples of language that supports rather than inhibits:
Instead of: “Why do you always get distracted?”
Try: “I know focusing can be hard. Let’s break this down together.”
Instead of: “You’d be so much better if you’d just pay attention.”
Try: “What helps you stay connected to what’s interesting here?”
Instead of: “You should be able to do this by now.”
Try: “Every day’s a chance to learn something new. You’re making progress.”
These small changes focus on possibility and growth, removing the criticism that can lead to looping thoughts, anxiety, or a feeling of failure.
Language for Building Motivation and Resilience
Words can hold the power to make or break a person’s drive, especially for those with ADHD. Supportive language considers not only the person’s goals but also their unique journey, acknowledging the effort it takes to get there. Here’s how caregivers and therapists can make their language supportive:
Encourage Reflection Over Results: Instead of focusing on what went wrong, encourage self-reflection. Asking “What felt good about how you approached that task?” helps individuals see their strengths.
Validate Experiences: Neurodivergent individuals are often aware of their struggles. Validating phrases like “I see how hard you’re trying” and “This is difficult, but I’m here to support you” give space for growth without judgment.
Use Open-Ended Questions: Invite curiosity rather than forcing motivation. “What do you enjoy about this?” or “What would you like to work on today?” encourages a sense of choice, helping them engage more genuinely with tasks.
Reframing Language in Therapeutic and Personal Settings
In therapy, schools, and home environments, caregivers and professionals can use language as a powerful tool for self-development. When individuals with ADHD feel seen and understood, they’re more likely to engage meaningfully in therapy and daily life. Self-reflection on our own communication is key here. Asking ourselves, “How might they interpret this?” can guide us to use language that inspires rather than inhibits.
Billie Eilish’s lyrics reflect the sensitive nature of human interaction: words sink deep, often shaping how we see ourselves. For those with ADHD, language holds a particularly intense power. By reframing our words to reflect empathy, respect, and genuine support, we create an environment where they can build confidence, resilience, and the freedom to explore their potential without the weight of judgment.
With thoughtful words, caregivers, therapists, and educators can help neurodivergent individuals rewrite their narratives, making language a source of motivation and strength rather than a source of self-doubt.
